I have been taking androgen and hormone tablets for about a month without a doctors prescription and have felt better but the feeling of not being me does not go away.  I know I can never transition because I love my family more than me and I am a people pleaser if that even makes any sense, but it hurts every single day and I fear that I may take my life one day.  I have used drink as a coping mechanism for about 20 years now and this hurts my wife and I hate myself for this.  I don’t even know why I am writing this because I know deep down there is no hope for me. One day I plucked up the courage to go to my Doctors for help about a year ago but after making a complete fool of myself there was no follow up.

I write this probably for others to seek help early in your life I am a strong advocate of people that are have anything either Gay or trans should not waste there life’s not living the life they should.  However as much as I suffer I could not imagine not having my wife or kids.

So there what a mess no counselling or medication can help me.